My Life in a Mediocre Metal Band
Best show I can’t believe we’re all here at our best show Making all your dreams come true at our best show You could win one million dollars at our best show People bring their kids to be blessed at our best show The audience was all high fiving at our best show The music made the flowers bloom at our best show Cowabunga pizza party at our best show Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start That is the code for the best show in the world Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start That is the code for the best show in the world Put your left hand Up in the air Now do your right Clap along with this rad beat with all of your might Then you will see You’ve created the very best show with just you and me Yeah, I don’t know about you, but I think we’re ready to get back to our Best show Teachers bring their kids on field trips to our best show You can have ice cream for breakfast at our best show Your dad comes home from getting smokes at our best show Promises never break at our best show Lovers never quarrel at our best show All your student loans are paid at our best show Coke and Pepsi pale to RC at our best show No one harshes your mellow at our best show Dude that hat is sick Come on everybody, let’s see some movement Heh, hahaha, you know it is But, wait Can this really be The best show it can be Doubt sets in deeply Palms begin to sweat Butterflies fight in my belly Yeah, it’s pretty much a knockout No, everybody in the crowd Seems to be having the best time of their lives Must Not Forget Why this is the best show ever in the world (in the world) Now you will see What you can be If you just follow these steps and mimic me Jumping in place Getting exercise We will all be so super ripped together Oh yeah, what was this, yeah it was our Best Show The bassist actually matters at our best show Shades inside are always cool at our best show Everyone was hearing color at our best show Your Tomagotchi still lives on at our best show Lisa Frank is still so rad at our best show We’re always 4K Hi-Res at our best show We all do the robo boogie at our best show Contra’s always easy at our best show Our pants stay dry at horror movies at our best show We all read Nintendo Power at our best show Everyone can stay up late at our best show You can help us write the song at our best show
Submitted by SerpentEve — Jun 15, 2026
Are we there yet Cause my butt is starting to fall asleep Are we there yet This van is a loud broken down junk heap Are we there yet Somebody really needs to take a shower Are we there yet This cramped can is starting to smell really sour That's just the metal band life on the road Travel from one place to another zip code Going from one gig to another show Just to become a metal commando Are we there yet Cause my butt is starting to fall asleep Are we there yet This van is a loud broken down junk heap Are we there yet Somebody really needs to take a shower Are we there yet This cramped can is starting to smell really sour Rolling down the road with nothing in our guts Would give anything for some sweet donuts We guess it’s more fasting for our trim figures Stomach just gurgles like we are all killers Are we there yet Cause my butt is starting to fall asleep Are we there yet This van is a loud broken down junk heap Are we there yet Somebody really needs to take a shower Are we there yet This cramped can is starting to smell really sour We made enough to rent a motel room Morning arrives, we all wake up and put on our perfume Who’s got the keys, we need to get a move on The horror sets in as we stair inside of the van Panic sets in What are we gonna do now Guess we need To find some way to break on in now Are we there yet Cause my butt is starting to fall asleep Are we there yet This van is a loud broken down junk heap Are we there yet Somebody really needs to take a shower Are we there yet This cramped can is starting to smell really sour Drool drips down the face of that one band member Snoring so loud is it sounds like the chainsaw from that one December All you can do is crank up your headphones Blast into your skull your ambient song drones After drifting off you feel the need to pee Shouldn’t have had that really big cup of calming hot tea The van comes to a stop on the side of the highway You rush out, relieve yourself and do a wondrous pee ballet Back on road Almost there I can see the lights Our name on the marquee People lined up at the door We wouldn’t trade it for anything in this world You are the reason we all do it We are here now Load in the gear from outta the back We are here now Time to stretch, warm up our fingers and toes We are here now Hopefully none of us have heart attacks We are here now Now we’re on stage we’ll see how it goes
Submitted by SerpentEve — Jun 15, 2026
Skit
Submitted by SerpentEve — Jun 15, 2026
This helps us pay our bills It’s not very big on thrills Not a metal life But it’s big on needless strife We slave away at our day jobs We are above you slobs 9 to 5 we’re nothing but pigs Are we gonna make it big Wake Up Apply my makeup and get dressed Put on my pants and get psyched up Head out the door and I’m at work Helping old ladies just squeeze in Into a dress that is too small Listen to a boss that's just dumb Try to explain to me base things I’m just not some stupid air head I just want a mic in my hand Headbanging, screaming with all my band Style just tries to take it all from me Fashion is just so much fun Can’t you see This helps us pay our bills It’s not very big on thrills Not a metal life But it’s big on needless strife We slave away at our day jobs We are above you slobs 9 to 5 we’re nothing but pigs Are we gonna make it big Wake Up Stumble on into the kitchen Clean all my guns with the safety's off Dress up in all of my camo Get in my truck and I start to drive Adjusting my CB I listen in Make sure I’ve still got my trailer Start to drift off and I fall asleep Wake back up in a stunned daze I just want to have my guitar in my hands Play those heavy riffs for my awesome metal band The redneck life takes a lot outta me Maybe I should go back and get a degree This helps us pay our bills It’s not very big on thrills Not a metal life But it’s big on needless strife We slave away at our day jobs We are above you slobs 9 to 5 we’re nothing but pigs Are we gonna make it big Wake Up Check the fridge for pizza Wash out all of the party Throw on my smock and I’m at work Flipping those patties like SpongeBob Disco ball on my key ring Trying too hard to be funny I’m only here cause I need money Cause bringing the party is all me I just want to party through the night If there’s pizza you can bet I’ll get a bite Only need this job to makes ends meet Wish there was some kind of life cheat Wake Up Roll outta bed around high noon Parents be wiggin’ like, hey now School doesn’t start until midday Lay on the couch like a beach bum Go online for all my classes Gotta work for that big degree Why’s school gotta be so lame It’s always gonna be the same We suffer for you We know you suffer too Our day jobs bring us pain Our fans help bring us fame Are we gonna make it big
Submitted by SerpentEve — Jun 15, 2026
We've gotta chase that fame And chase that trend We're always one step behind One step behind We gotta grow our audience Become notorious Find out who we are Posting content Making merch Gotta be frequent Can’t be a lurch Marketing our sound Genres all around This is the artist’s plight To make it in the spotlight Social media algorithmic breakdowns Giving us a headache but we’re not gonna back down Craving the attention of all the masses Trying not to fall in unknown crevasses Maybe if we buy some ads Boost that post We've gotta chase that fame And chase that trend We're always one step behind One step behind We gotta grow our audience Become notorious Find out who we are Profiles of our distinctive faces Showing up in everyone’s digital spaces Chirping some important band updates Snapping some original insta-greats So many different applications Trying to make our public declarations Social platforms causing so much chatter Trying to juggle all this subject matter Fresh new faces are what we’re targeting That’s why we work so hard at all of our marketing Trying to be out in front of the curve Also giving the fans what they deserve We've gotta chase that fame And chase that trend We're always one step behind One step behind We gotta grow our audience Become notorious Find out who we are Sorting through all of these social networks Implementation just brings out the waterworks Trying to achieve a genuine connection Brings about an attitude of reflection Chasing those greasy social media issues When we don’t succeed we may need our tissues Cranking out those posts to get some engagement All from the comfort of your mother’s basement We have found the ultimate answer What will make our stats move like dancer Social media won’t give us the hot sweats As long as we show you pics of our awesome pets
Submitted by SerpentEve — Jun 15, 2026
Skit
Submitted by SerpentEve — Jun 15, 2026
You can never have it Achieve the heights of what I have I need complete control You think you can do better than me I’d like to see you try Creative Control We all want it We all need it Creative Control We all want it Only I deserve it You guys never listen to me I have so many ideas Ideas, notions to change the industry Makeover this truly negative male masculinity Give me a shot Let me have my break I’m like food for thought It can be give or take Secretly Hopefully Don’t undermine this female entity Come on guys Can’t you see We’re all in this eternally Beat for beat Riff for riff We all need to just settle this Give it to me Give it to me All the control Give it to me Give it to me Give it to me All to me Creative Control We all want it We all need it Creative Control We all want it Only I deserve it You all need to stop being stupid I’m over here startin’ to feel all excluded You all started ruining our music It doesn’t matter what heck you all did Don’t ruin the music Don’t ruin all that I did Creative Control We all want it We all need it Creative Control We all want it Only I deserve it
Submitted by SerpentEve — Jun 15, 2026
We all know that guy Who is in every band Who wishes he were somewhere else when the task is at a hand We all know that guy Who is never around To help you carry your gear in To help you not have a breakdown Don’t Be That Guy Then they just do the totally unthinkable Acting like their so great, like their just so invincible Loses their place in a blinding might of fury They doesn't seem to have a care or even the slightest worry Bottling our anger we look their direction They just look off the stage, you can see their disconnection Don’t Be That Guy Sleeping in the van with their mouth wide open Snoring so loud no one can ignore it They offer to help pay for gas on the way to the show Only to “forget” their wallet back at home Don’t be the guy who thinks he is the best Don’t be the guy who falls like all the rest We all know that guy and think he is the worst We all know that guy who goes in head first You’re a valued member of this musical adventure And we don’t want you to feel all this pressure We’re all in this whirlwind metal music jamboree Move from side to side together in synced harmony Don’t Be That Guy Open your eyes and you can plainly see You are that guy, you’re the absentee You flood the room with your signature stink From never bathing on the road You smell like a clogged kitchen sink We know that times are tough and things can be hard But, we feel you’ve got potential even though values aren't your calling card We would have kicked you out If we really wanted to But you make us all laugh And it wouldn’t be the same without you
Submitted by SerpentEve — Jun 15, 2026
Can I get a hot minute thinkin’ ’bout Mason Sittin' at the drums ‘bout to make me crazy What would he like to opening on Christmas day Hoping he likes what I get him either way I know that Halo is his favorite gaming FPS Crushing those noobs brings him joy in great excess He may be young and lacking in experience But he's a cool dude despite his clumsiness David, my beloved friend and soulmate Why is it so hard to get you a gift you don’t hate Like a mug that says you’re my Jr Featherweight (champion) What’s something he would use every day I feel like the same thing happened on his birthday Socks are too cheesy Food isn’t his thing Place it in a box Tape it all around It’s not like it’s smallpox This should be my playground Complicated Exhilarated Anticipated Nauseated Can’t seem to find the right thing For my friend the drum machine Courtney Teacher Educator Molder of young minds Step to the side Break it all down I’m sure there’s something owl related I can get for her classroom Gotta grind it out Make it loud Crank it up I know he’s got kids I know he’s got a wife What could I get to make his life EASIER?! I know what I can do I know what I can get Craft supplies and some paper clips Gonna MacGyver something good That he’ll never forget It’s all doom Light is all gone Missed my window To get David something on Amazon Why, why is it so hard to buy a gift For a teen with some sick skill I don’t want him to think I forgot Every year it’s something new Just a matter of which who I could get him a decal that says “bands without drummers suck” David He’s a good brother and a friend What could he use to see him through the bitter end We’re at the age of practicality And it must reek of brutality
Submitted by SerpentEve — Jun 15, 2026
Skit
Submitted by SerpentEve — Jun 15, 2026